Grilled cheese, mise-en-scene, & c-span..

I really get quite angry with myself for not writing in here...

I have so much on my mind that I think my brain sort of shuts down in response. And as a result, very little of my creative juices flow freely.

A week before I returned to school for my sophomore year, I met my biological father. His absence in my life growing up served as fruit for thought, angst, and lot of my writing.

Well...he's 65, lives in a shack as a semi-retired plumber, and doesn't have a penny to his name. Now that I'm in the picture, he's been working more, and he told me he hasn't bet on a horse since last Thursday. Oh, how special. But the simple fact that I'm in his life makes him so happy. He's got this stupid grin on his face when I'm with him, and I kind of love it. It's really overwhelming for me, to hear about these brothers and sisters , aunts, uncles, nephews and nieces I've got. So much catching up to do.

...Anyway. I'm a very confused little girl. For the most part, well, I mean, for every part of me concerned, I love college living, I appreciate beyond belief not just living with these girls but also the fact that they are my best friends doesn't hurt. I love having this kitchen, and cooking up crazy things I never dreamed of at home. I love the classes I'm taking this semester, but I am positively terrified about my future. I suppose most college kids are, but I look around and even if it's not TRUE, I still feel like everyone else has more going for them than I do.

My emotions, ambitions, talents(or, whatever..) are so hopelessly jumbled and only half alive. I don't know how to handle it. I'm desperately hoping that this season, with it's dying leaves and chilly weather can inspire me somehow. Or just fucking knock some sense into me.

Alright, I love watching films. I love reading about them, writing about them, and talking about them. One of my classes is a film class, and, well, I'm glad I'm finally taking one. It's enchanting. My school has this particular major, right, and it's called Cinema Studies, except it's total crap. I mean I'm sure there's some very intelligent people involved. But where will I go with a degree in Cinema Studies? Who am I kidding, where the fuck am I going to go with a degree in Political Science from SUNY Purchase? Uh, I'm just kind of down on myself. I'm so scared. I'm scared that at nineteen, that it's too late for me. Too late to get into the real good stuff- the technicalities of filmmaking, to get behind a camera, to learn how to edit film, and so on..So I'm not sure where that leaves me. I'm not really sure of anything. I love politics, it doesn't bore me at all, but the prospect of that scares me as well. I don't believe I'm cut out for it. But then again, I don't know what I might be cut out for. I graduated high school firmly believing I was going to be a White House Correspondent for CNN. I mean, yeah, okay.

I just don't have anyone to really turn to with these questions about my future. No one has the answers, though. One of the only things I do know is that I'm halfway decent at writing. I want to do so many things, but I'm terribly lazy, and I really don't THINK I can do anything. I just need someone to talk to. So thanks for listening, lil' blog.

gona finish this blurb with a picture of my favorite lady, looking cute and flawless in The Duchess- by the way, the biography of the actual woman who Keira played in the film, Georgianna Cavendish, is spectacular, one of my favorite reads to date. She was really one of the most influential women in politics& fashion in all of Europe in the 1700's.

Sorry I forgot about you, blog!

I haven't posted anything here for almost a year. I won't bore anyone reading with personal updates, because that's what I use my livejournal for. I just feel terribly guilty about not using this, because I DO need an outlet, I DO need a place to write coherent thoughts. I guess I underestimated this whole thing in general though, considering I came back to over fifteen comments on one of my posts, and I expected barely anyone to read it besides myself. So I suppose I'll embark on a journey - one that includes me writing things that other people might-gasp- yes, read! Maybe someone will read something I have to say!

It did feel great when I was published in Newsday. I'm conflicted about my future in journalism because of the lack of opportunities and everything going viral. It's a bit discouraging to me. But one of the only things that I'm decently okay at is writing- (and playing ddr, but where will that get me?) so someone suggested that I start a serious blog. I probably should write more, because the people I come in contact with on a daily basis generally have no idea what I'm talking about when I bring up directors, actors, or anything film related. They all want to see 'Notorious' while I need to see 'The Wrestler' 'Frost/ Nixon' and 'Revolutionary Road' before Oscar season, because, well, I need to see every movie in the best picture category before making a real prediction, duh! It's hard to express how isolated I feel on this subject. I want to break into film, I want to eventually include it in my career somehow, but I'm terrified it's too late for me. I'm studying Political Science instead, which I am passionate about, don't get me wrong, but I'm increasingly becoming aware of myself, and of how I might not be cut out for law school or anything of the sort. I'm just terrified, and I want someone to talk to about this...so I've become something of a night owl, prowling the web, reading scraps of information about Hunter S. Thompsons' novel, The Rum Diary's, film adaptation (which may include Keira Knightley or Scarlett Johansen..and will certainly be including Johnny Depp) instead of reading about Condelezza Rice's latest trip to a foreign country. I'm captivated by films. By book and play adaptations, by actors performances, by set designs and budgets and appealing to certain demographics and this and that and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, I FEEL LIKE none of this can get me anywhere, is it just going to have to be a hobby for me, for the rest of my life? Am I destined to sit back and let other people do all this work? This work that I want to do? When I say 'this work', I don't even know what I'm referring to! Directing, editing, acting, no no..I don't think that..I'm just so confused. Eighteen and terrified, that's what I am.




So when I mentioned something about being a film critic in casual conversation, this is what I was reminded of, this is where I was referred. And then I remembered that I already had one. I don't really know. It's not too late for me to post all my Oscar predictions or anything. But I need to see all those damn movies first. I will say that I've been to the movies more these past two months than any other person my age that I know. It's kind of fun, but kind of...not. It really does isolate me, though, when I try to start a conversation about how Kate Winslet really deserved that Golden Globe for the Reader..and the response I get would be along the lines of, 'Oh, she was in Titanic, right?'
Sigh. That's why I need the internet, so I know I'm not alone here. Good thing I'm reminded I'm not the only movie junkie out there. So...three cheers for the internet.