I have so much on my mind that I think my brain sort of shuts down in response. And as a result, very little of my creative juices flow freely.
A week before I returned to school for my sophomore year, I met my biological father. His absence in my life growing up served as fruit for thought, angst, and lot of my writing.
Well...he's 65, lives in a shack as a semi-retired plumber, and doesn't have a penny to his name. Now that I'm in the picture, he's been working more, and he told me he hasn't bet on a horse since last Thursday. Oh, how special. But the simple fact that I'm in his life makes him so happy. He's got this stupid grin on his face when I'm with him, and I kind of love it. It's really overwhelming for me, to hear about these brothers and sisters , aunts, uncles, nephews and nieces I've got. So much catching up to do.
...Anyway. I'm a very confused little girl. For the most part, well, I mean, for every part of me concerned, I love college living, I appreciate beyond belief not just living with these girls but also the fact that they are my best friends doesn't hurt. I love having this kitchen, and cooking up crazy things I never dreamed of at home. I love the classes I'm taking this semester, but I am positively terrified about my future. I suppose most college kids are, but I look around and even if it's not TRUE, I still feel like everyone else has more going for them than I do.
My emotions, ambitions, talents(or, whatever..) are so hopelessly jumbled and only half alive. I don't know how to handle it. I'm desperately hoping that this season, with it's dying leaves and chilly weather can inspire me somehow. Or just fucking knock some sense into me.
Alright, I love watching films. I love reading about them, writing about them, and talking about them. One of my classes is a film class, and, well, I'm glad I'm finally taking one. It's enchanting. My school has this particular major, right, and it's called Cinema Studies, except it's total crap. I mean I'm sure there's some very intelligent people involved. But where will I go with a degree in Cinema Studies? Who am I kidding, where the fuck am I going to go with a degree in Political Science from SUNY Purchase? Uh, I'm just kind of down on myself. I'm so scared. I'm scared that at nineteen, that it's too late for me. Too late to get into the real good stuff- the technicalities of filmmaking, to get behind a camera, to learn how to edit film, and so on..So I'm not sure where that leaves me. I'm not really sure of anything. I love politics, it doesn't bore me at all, but the prospect of that scares me as well. I don't believe I'm cut out for it. But then again, I don't know what I might be cut out for. I graduated high school firmly believing I was going to be a White House Correspondent for CNN. I mean, yeah, okay.
I just don't have anyone to really turn to with these questions about my future. No one has the answers, though. One of the only things I do know is that I'm halfway decent at writing. I want to do so many things, but I'm terribly lazy, and I really don't THINK I can do anything. I just need someone to talk to. So thanks for listening, lil' blog.
gona finish this blurb with a picture of my favorite lady, looking cute and flawless in The Duchess- by the way, the biography of the actual woman who Keira played in the film, Georgianna Cavendish, is spectacular, one of my favorite reads to date. She was really one of the most influential women in politics& fashion in all of Europe in the 1700's.
